Why I’ve Been Gone

It's been an eventful six weeks

Conclusion first: I haven’t written anything for Substack in six weeks for lots of reasons. I’ll share a few below.

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My mom died the evening of September 16. My dad called at 9:56 PM CT to tell me she was gone. She died at home, in her sleep, with my oldest brother and sister-in-law nearby. My dad and my mother’s live-in caregiver had gone to bed.

The death certificate says she died September 17 because that’s when the hospice nurse came and pronounced her dead, but she was gone on the 16th. Her funeral was the 24th. I gave a remembrance. I don’t like how I did, except for one line about my grand niece. My grand niece loves friends and games and fun. She’s my mom’s spiritual heir.

My mom and my middle brother about a year before she died.

September was full of travel back and forth to New Jersey where my mom and dad lived in the same house for 57 years, the house I grew up in. For a lot of the month I was operating with limited brain capacity. I’m still not 100%. Work helps a lot, and thankfully my business has a lot of it. But the pain and wonder about her loss still leak out. I get teary at odd times. If my favorite bakery is playing a favorite song. If I think about my kids. If a friend asks how I’m doing, it can be awkward.

I had lunch with someone to talk about business, and got choked up when I saw him. He wasn’t sure how to take it. There’s something about being with someone I love, doing something perfectly ordinary, that can make me cry now. I don’t know what kind of tears they are — sadness, frustration, bewilderment, happiness. Maybe all of them. In short, I’m a bit of a mess.

I hope writing again will help. So I’ll be back again soon, but in the meantime, I wanted you to know I haven’t forgotten about you.

Love, Tom

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“All the wisdom and reasoning in the world boils down finally to this point: to teach us not to be afraid to die.” — Montaigne

“What about when other people die? What does wisdom say about that?” — Margaret the Pug